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Thursday, March 27, 2008

The Energy Drink Concept or How I'm Breaking Up With Coffee

I'm a big coffee fan.

I love the stuff. I find I can't get through my day without at least one cup of that glorious fluid flowing through my veins.

But lately, lately coffee has been on notice for me. Sorry, Mr. Colbert, I'm stealing that phrase.

Coffee, you're On Notice!

Why do I say this?

Well look. I have extensive experience working in coffee retail. I am pretty well versed on the different types of coffee that exist in the world and what goes good with what. I understand the differences in blends, etc. I used to work for Starbucks, The Coffee Bean, and a few other coffee retail establishments.

And just to go off on a tiny tangent, Starbucks is more-so who's on permanent notice with me. I've had quite the disdain for the corporate coffee place since I worked for them. I learned that they double roast (burn) their coffee to make the taste stronger in hopes they will bring in more people to make money. Lo' and behold, the concept worked on the masses. I was apparently in the minority. They have a mild blend that I prefer. It's less burnt tasting and a little known fact, apparently, is the less you roast a coffee bean, the more caffeine content that bean has!

Recently, I've learned that all Starbucks across the country closed for three hours in one day to retrain their employees. I think the bigger concept here is that they started realizing people were heading to McDonalds, 7/11, Ralphs, etc to get their morning coffee since the price was more reasonable and the quality of the beverage was much higher. Yet people still flock to Starbucks for the name and the trend.

Ok, back to what I was saying. Coffee is on notice.

Why? Why am I putting it on notice?

Well dammit, energy drinks used to be on notice. My own personal "On Notice" board exists in my mind. Just go with me here.

I have recently become turned on to this Diet Rockstar drink. Sure, it's not healthy for you. Sure, one may reap slightly better health benefits from coffee since it is in fact derived from the Earth. But hell, lately coffee has been tasting like shit. Every coffee I've had recently has been tasting like dirt. I don't know why. Maybe my taste buds are revolting against me.

But Diet Rockstar, how I now have a budding secret lustful relationship with thee. This damn drink. Tastes like sugar cocaine laced jolly rancher goodness. It has the word "Diet" right in the name so it can't be all bad, right? Not to mention, one can of this lovely liquid evilness picks me right up.

So coffee, it's not you, it's me. I just need some time away.

I'll call you.

1 comment:

swag said...

Dear Sir --

You are officially on notice that your dead ancestors are now officially pissing on their own decomposing bodies in laughter. They are thinking, "What generation of pantywaists came out of these decomposing loins?!?"

"Mable, I used to plow fields from sun up to sun down. Carried water from everywhere whenever we need it. So what does this latest generation have to say for itself? 'I'm too tired. I have no energy. I cannot function without Rockstar Jolt Ass Bolt Electrode Energy Drink(tm).'"

"What kind of softies did we end up pushing out, Mabel? The whole frigging generation has the stamina and backbone of donut."